Post your jokes!

Following Raafjes realization that we don't have any screenshot topics, I realized that we don't have any topics for jokes

So post them here

One rule: no offensive jokes

I'll start

three children are arguing about who's dad has a faster job. One child says "My dad is the fastest, he is a fighter pilot!" the second says "No, mine is! He is an astronaut!"
The third child laughs and says "Bitch please, my dad works from 12 to 5, and he comes home at 3"

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, `See that, baby? That`s 1000 pounds of dynamite!` She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder`s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, `See those, baby? That`s 1000 pounds of dynamite!` She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, `Why are you in such a hurry to go?`
She replies, `With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!`

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, `When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.`
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, `Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.`
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, `I don`t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

A man, let's call him A, sits in a bar in New York. In enters man nr 2, lets call him B. The two starts talking, and A claims that the wind direction in the city makes it possible to jump out of the Empire State building and glide down on the winds. B is a little reluctant to believe this, but agrees to go to the top and watch A. At the top of the building, A climbs over the fence, and jumps out. B is watching him slowly gliding down to the street below. Astonished he decides to do the same. He jumps over the edge, and proceeds down to splatter the pavement at high speed. Needless to say, he doesn't survive. A walks back to the bar, laughing for himself. When he enters the bar, the bartender says:
Yo know, you are a real asshole when you are drunk, Superman.

A wealthy businessman stopped at a traffic light notices a man holding up a sign that says..."WILL WORK FOR FOOD"
He rolls down his window and says "Hey! Get in, I have a job for you."
He takes him to his home and hands him a five gallon pail of lime green paint and a brush.
"Paint my porch while I go inside and cook us a big steak dinner with all the trimmings."
The man goes inside and begins to cook the meal.
Thirty minutes later the homeless man comes in and says "I'm done."
The wealthy man says "Already!!"
"Yes", says the homeless man "and I gave it two coats!"
"Amazing." says the wealthy man.
"Yeah", says the homeless man, "and by the way it's not a Porche, it's a Mercedes."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.After they got their tent all set up,both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later,Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent.'

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything better.

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Holy shit, the people in the lobby are staring at me, that's how much I laughed xD

Now to remember them and tell them to Fruity.

here's another one: Two dyslexics walk into a bra

NoWay, your jokes are funny as hell!!!

You have created a monster Noz

What monster titus?

Oh, I got another one:

A guy, let's call him Raven, was doing some latenight PvP cause his dancing partner cancelled the dancing practice. So he did some PvP. And then 3 girls asked him if he wanted to join them for PvP and TS. So he did. And then it was 3AM when he finally got to bed.

Ohno, wait, that really happened!

Raafje the playboy

awww yeaaah.

Titus, considering the fact that this is a joke topic, what you said is an actual joke.

I got another one: A guy, lets call him Brandon (or Noz for you pvpers) was good at playing PvP, especially as a bunker ele. Oh, wait...